DPWH plans to demolish Intramuros to ease traffic

The Department of Public Works and Highways (DPWH) is “seriously considering” destroying the 440-year-old walled city of Intramuros in order to speed up the flow of cargo trucks from Port Area.

According to totally unreliable source and vague spokesman Duane Gollum-Dumayo, “planners looked at the Port Area map and they saw this huge 64-hectare congested riverside walled neighborhood blocking the route and they said, what’s that? Let’s blow it up.

“With lots of dynamite.”

Asked if DPWH realized Intramuros is a precious cultural and historic heritage area, the very heart of Manila, the vague spokesperson replied, “it’s just a big stone lump to the planners, also they checked it out and found out it’s already been destroyed before, so it’s not like it’s going to be the first time.

“Besides”, he added, “they won’t destroy everything, they’ll probably leave the churches standing, as well as that Fort Santiago thing. And the Commission on Elections.”

The DPWH aroused protests from historians earlier this week when it said it would bulldoze the Anda Circle monument at the foot of Del Pan Bridge. It said the circle, which has a marble obelisk dating back to 1871, was hampering truck movement from the port, which for months has been congested with a mountainous backlog of undelivered cargo containers.

Now, Gollum-Dumayo, who described himself as “a sleazy lurker and college failure,” explained, “the guys figured, hey, while we’re doing Anda Circle, we may as well get rid of everything else in the area that looks historic and useless. That’s when they noticed Intramuros.”

He said, “as soon as they clear the Intramuros rubble and widen the truck road, DPWH can start with reblocking and flyover projects that will immediately pay off in terms of fees to contractors.”

According to the sleazy vague spokesman, planners estimated that tearing down Intramuros could reduce cargo trucks’ trip time by “up to five minutes.”

Gollum-Dumayo revealed that if the Intramuros demolition proved successful, the department might eradicate nearby landmarks as well.

“They don’t want the public to think they’re sleeping on the job or anything like that. They’ve already prepared a list of places to clear to widen the roads: there’s Rizal Park, the National Museum, Philippine Normal University, Ayala Bridge – oops, no wait, the trucks need that bridge to cross the Pasig River.”

Gollum-Dumayo said “DPWH anticipates people might be upset about knocking down the National Museum, so they’ll just call it by its old name and say they’re demolishing the Congress building. They’re pretty sure people will even come along and help.”

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